Some things just are not worth responding to. If I hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t have attempted suicide.

Personal

On June 13th, I got called into work. Originally, I wasn’t scheduled, but I wanted the extra hours because I was going to a convention on June 23rd and 24th and could use whatever I got. I accepted the offer. It sounded like they needed someone.

I got a ride to work from my father and worked right until 30 minutes before therapy. My plan was to hop the bus to where it was and then attend therapy. Simple plan.

Of course, nothing goes according to plan.

My phone was suddenly dying. How?? I had charged it beforehand. I remembered now that my father told me he was going to be at work, but to call and see where he is because he might be able to pick me up.

So, to simplify my plan, maybe my father would pick me up.

No answer. Must still be at work.

I head to the bus stop. It’s about 90 degrees. I almost got hit by a car walking to the bus stop because people don’t know that red means stop, apparently.

So I sit and wait and wait. It’s really hot. I can feel myself getting really tired but also light headed. Silly me forgets to hydrate as well.

The bus comes and goes. Drives right past me. The driver and I made eye contact. But he kept going. Down the street.

Well, how the hell did it not at least slow down? It slowed down further down the street! But why not at least to check if someone was at the stop!

Now my phone is at 1%, I’m sweating–the lightheadedness definitely feels more apparent–and I have to find a way home.

I walked. It was a 30 minute walk. Jeans, dehydrated, on the verge of tears, through a neighborhood I hate walking through.

I got cat called. First time ever.

My mind flashes. What would happen if someone tried to take me? Broad daylight don’t stop nobody. What can I do to get out of the situation? Is there a store I can run into?

Tears form into my eyes. I see the steep hill ahead. I’m almost home, but I’m so dizzy.

My breathing becomes irregular, my head starts spinning, and I start trembling. Panic attack.

I made it up the hill, almost home. Just one more crosswalk. My entire body was throbbing. My head was spinning. My throat was dry. I was still crying.

I’m about to cross the street when I see 3 vehicles. The car, the van, and my dad’s work truck. He’s home…you have to be kidding.

I barely make it to the door. Of course, I don’t have my key either.

I bang on the door. Surely my sister is home. Or my father. Whoever answers first.

My sister opens the door. I heard my father’s voice.

“Were you home this whole time?” I yelled, wherever the hell he was.

This starts our worst fight since the year started.

We don’t get along very well. He’s old fashioned and I’m very progressive. I think his views are too backwards. He’s blamed a lot of things on me, including my depression–my clinical depression. So these fights aren’t new. I try to avoid talking to him about anything going on in my life because he can’t relate.

In the heat of the moment, we both said things that were quite ridiculous. I yelled at him for not answering and he yelled at me for not picking up when he called me back. I told him my phone died and he yelled that I should’ve charged it and that it’s not his fault that it died. I yelled that I have no control over my phone battery. He wasn’t having it. He was hellbent on making sure he knew that it was my fault.

Told him to f*** off.

Not the first time I’ve ever told him to.

I slammed my room door shut. It’s too hot for this. I tried to run my head in cold water. But he came into the room.

“You need to grow up. You’re 19 years old.”

Suddenly, being 19 means that you have to be ready for the whole world!

BULLSHIT.

I yelled at him about being scared. I told him I got cat called.

“You go to the city (NYC) alone. Why can’t you walk in (our town) alone?!”

He has no idea what I do when I have to go to the city alone.

I panic every time I have to travel there alone. I use the bus or train, rely on my phone or an uber or lyft to get me to my destination. You will not catch me walking anywhere I can cab it. But the logic he has here is flawed because while he thinks the city is more dangerous, there is danger everywhere.

My city might not be safer but our town is definitely not the safest place to walk through.

Besides, even if I’m going into the city alone, I’m going without people I don’t know personally, not alone with no one else. There are enough good people (I believe) who would step in if someone tried to attack me.

I can’t say the same for our own town.

Nevermind the fact that I have a female body. Nevermind the fact that I’m young. Nevermind the fact that men will do what they can to do what they want with me, and can get away with it.

But when I explained my fear, he brushed it off. As if that wasn’t valid. Told him to f*** off and shut the f*** up. He told me to watch my mouth. Told him respect is earned.

“Next time, pick up your damn phone!”

Then he said, “I can’t pick up my phone while I’m in court!”

So…you weren’t at work? You weren’t honest about what was happening that day. I thought I was an adult? Either treat me like an adult and be honest, or keep that argument and shove it.

At this point, I had completely lost it. He was going to be dishonest, but expect me to treat him with respect?

“Well, why were you in court? Be a good citizen next time.”

“I was there because of you!”

“Because of me?” So now he’s going to court because of me?

“I have to pay your fees too!” Was his response.

Oh, so you know what? Maybe I should just kill myself so you wouldn’t have to pay my ‘fees’ anymore. (Fees meaning hospital bills, I’m assuming.) My funeral would be the last thing you’d have to pay for and that would be the end.

In the most perfect timing, my sister had stormed out the house and my father followed her.

I easily remembered where the pills were. I run up the stairs to grab a handful, make it back to the guest room bathroom, lock the door.

I’m sitting on the floor, trying to contact a friend. Who? I don’t know.

Finally I get in touch with one friend. I swallowed one pill before she talked me out of it. If I could swallow more, I probably would have been dead. I would have ended it there and then.

But looking back, I realized if I stayed silent, maybe none of that wouldn’t have happened.

We’ll never know.

I’ll need to learn to be silent.


Writing

I’m putting down Celestial Symphony and I’m restarting my old novel. I’ll post about that tomorrow (fingers crossed!)

My writing tips page should be up soon as well. I just need to manage my time better.


Thanks for reading!

{ I have a Facebook page for Zanuscript! Click here for updates.}

See you all in the next post!

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