I thought people saw me as their best friend but I guess I was wrong.
So yesterday was National Best Friend’s Day. I wouldn’t say I expected someone to post about me, but I was hoping someone would. It didn’t happen.
The people who I thought would call me their best friends…didn’t call me theirs. No posts were made about me. No one even said anything comforting when I said how I felt about being left out of this day.
I think people are tired of me. They’re tired of the burden I bring to them. I am very…ah, I think I’d say I’m definitely a piece of work. I require a lot from people.
It’s not something I choose. My therapist believes (and so did the doctors at the hospital I went to over a year ago) I have borderline personality disorder. Here’s a brief definition:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days. (Mayo Clinic)
I think my problem is that I expect too much because I give so much. I buy someone a game, so I expect something similar in return, even if it’s just a heartfelt thank you and a hug.
But I don’t get that.
And it hurts.
I lie in bed and cry myself to sleep because I wonder why no one is taking the time to write a post about me for best friend’s day when I would do it for them.
So I thought I solved my problem: I’m a giver, and I’m giving to receivers. Those receivers often don’t give back.
But I wouldn’t say I’m associating myself with bad people, because the people I’m around are amazing.
So what is it?
Maybe I give too much? Perhaps I should stop giving so much? I guess I’ll try that. I guess I’ll stop putting in so much to see someone smile, even if it’s for a few minutes.
A huge update with the progress of this story.
I’m changing the type of book it is.
It’s no longer a novel. It’s now poems. A collection of poems that tells a similar story. I no longer have specific characters or anything like that. It’s now just my dreams and ideas put into a new format. I think that’s going to work so much better.
I’ll be testing out this newer format soon to see if it flows better. If not, I may just put this book idea away and save it for when it’s ready to be expanded upon.
See you all in the next post!